Thanks to everyone who has followed me so far (nearly 200 now! Woo!), and I’m really sorry about the recent week-long break- I’ve been a busy guy. But I’m back for the foreseeable future, and tomorrow, we shall begin with my opinions on Generation IV! Unlike III, I actually played this Generation back when it came out - quite extensively, I might add - and thus, my opinions on these guys will be much more personal, and based more on memories then on the pictures and descriptions I get from Bulbapedia.

Tomorrow: Turtwig!

FUCKING DEOXYS THOUGH.

Honestly I barely know anything about Deoxys (I mean I do right now because I looked it up, but mere seconds ago I did not) but I do know that it’s astonishing. It’s so cool, it changes shape AND STATS depending on which Gen. III version you’re playing! So it’s like you get a different Pokémon with every version you catch it on/transfer it to, but it’s still the same squiggly, giant red mass of awesome!

And really, all this is no surprise. Its number, after all, is 386. Just like that spectacle of graphics and sound…

As I’ve mentioned before, my interest in Pokémon had waned by the time of Gen III, so the thing I remember most about Jirachi was that it was the star of Pokémon: Jirachi, Wish Maker, the first Pokémon movie that went direct-to-video in the United States (though it still hit theaters in Japan, as Pokémon movies continue to do).

And even though I didn’t watch the show any more and was only playing FireRed, I remember that that REALLY disappointed me. Even at the age of nine, I knew that once a franchise stops hitting theaters, it starts to drop dramatically in quality. And, though the older movies aren’t really great from an objective standpoint either, I still say I was right.

Jirachi’s pretty cute, though. Look at that belly. It’s got a smiley. Happy belly.

“Rayquaza” is such an odd name for a Pokémon. It doesn’t sound like a fearsome beast, it sounds like somebody’s name.

Like how Groudon resembles Behemoth and Kyogre resembles Leviathan, Rayquaza may be related to Ziz, the Hebrew beast of the sky and counterpart to ‘Than and ‘Moth. (Those are my nicknames for them. Do you like?) Ziz isn’t in the Bible, though, so it isn’t as well-known among non-Jews as the other two (as evidenced by the fact that its name hasn’t become a synonym for “really big thing” like theirs have).

Also, Ziz is usually shown as a giant bird, while Rayquaza here is an awesome flying serpent! I know I’M not complaining- it’s a much cooler thing to see flying past the window as I shop at Ray Quaza’s Discount Goods.

Much like how Kyogre is more or less Leviathan, Groudon here is the equivalent of Behemoth. Tremendous monster of the land; insanely powerful and nigh-indestructible; nemesis with the monster of the sea; etc. Although, Behemoth is usually a buffalo-thing or bison-thing or something, while Groudon is more of a diminutive, shell-less, red Gamera. (though, 11’6” is hardly diminutive, and it’s a friggin’ giant in terms of relative Pokémon size.)

Groudon’s life story is much the same as Kyogre’s: Team Magma wanted to use it, Groudon said “no, fuck off,” Groudon started fucking shit up, only Trainer-Hero-Person could stop it. Awesome.

Just when I thought I couldn’t love Game Freak any more, they went and came up with a motherfucking LEVIATHAN POKE’MON. Marvelous things will happen when you take the world’s most legendary monster of the sea, and put it in your pocket. Making it a… pocket monster, you might say. Hm… There’s something to that.

Even disregarding its badass grandpappy, Kyogre is amazing on its own. It created the ocean, and thus is its ultimate master (a relationship akin to Sun Tzu and fighting). Team Aqua tried to control it, but they couldn’t control it, ‘cause “YOU CAN’T CONTROL ME!“ So instead, it pimp-slapped their rules with one of those big armless hands, and then pimp-slapped them again with the other armless hand, and then went motherfucking haywire with only one person able to take it down.

Yeaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, boi.

You know, Latios always looks a lot less happy than Latias.

Latias is always like…

“Hi! You seem nice! I like you!”

But Latios is more like…

“Hello. Good to meet you. You are interesting. (Yeah. Heh heh. I am totally killing yourself in your sleep tonight.)”

Latias is an Eon Pokémon. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I THINK it means that she’s been around for eons now. I don’t know how long eons are either, but that’s probably a pretty long time.

And, you know, you’d THINK that’d be nice, living forever and all that, but unfortunately, Latias has a problem. She, unlike most Legendaries, has a gender (which is actually a sex, but Pokémon lingo is confused and backward sometimes), but she cannot breed. Not even with Latios, her male counterpart.

So we’re talking a Pokémon that can live for an unidentifiably long period of time, but cannot ever fuck. Because it’s biology somehow allows her to have a sex, but does not allow her to have the sex. Pity Latias and Latios, friends.

Though… she seems pretty happy. Guess she doesn’t care.

You might think that Registeel is really cool, with its lack of a head and its metallic body and some other shit, but don’t be fooled. It is a motherfucking Nazi.

HAUTE IST MEIN TAG! HAUTE IST MEIN TAG! HAUTE IST MEIN TAAAAAAAAAAAAG! (HAUTE IST MEIN TAG…)

My first thought when I saw Regice, and probably most other people’s first thoughts, were “What a terrible Legendary. It’s made of ice? Just throw some lava at it or crack it or some shit!” Aha, but you see, silly fools (and me): Regice’s body was formed during the Ice Age, so that means that it’s completely impossible to melt, and also it can control the wind and make it really cold.

Shit, man, I’m glad I don’t live in an Ice Age. It’d fucking kill me.

Okay, fair enough explanation, Pokédex, but- how can it support its entire 300+-pound body weight on those tiny point-feet?